There are a lot of things men and women assume about each other that can be funny. However, there are some assumptions that ruin romance fast. The assumption that the other person will want what we want… destroys a lot of romance before it even gets a chance to start. Let’s start with a story.
This Assumption Kills Romance
You and I both want the same exact thing out of romance. It just has to be the same. It is fate. Why would you want something different? Don’t we both want a romantic bond? Don’t we both like each other? Shouldn’t we want to be together? Isn’t that the same thing?
You and I both want the same thing in romance… right?
Bill wanted to impress Iris. They met at a school. During one of the school functions, Bill thought he’d try his luck asking Iris out on a proper date. Sadly, Bill saw Iris talking to another guy and instantly felt jealous. Why would Iris be talking to someone else? Was she trying to send a message?
Bill decided to go outside and take a moment to gather his thoughts. Well, if Iris wants to play the jealously game, I can show her that I’m above that. Bill arranged to have two gal pals meet him. With his entourage, Bill made an entrance and acted like he was cool and didn’t need Iris.
Later, a very confused Bill asked his best friend “what did I do wrong?” when noticing that Iris wanted nothing to do with him at all.
This assumption kills romance
We see life from our own lens. That is a well known fact. But one that is not fully appreciated. Humans have expectations and will act on them to find their desires.
In the case of Iris, showing up with her guy friend was a way to test if Bill was seriously interested in her. It was her expectations that Bill steps up and give chase. Show that he was very interested and wanted just Iris all to himself.
Sure, Iris did not sit around to think up this. It’s part of a woman’s make up. She wants to know that a man is emotionally vested in her and is giving her his attention and only wants her. When such a woman feels desired, she’s willing to connect and invest in a relationship with such a man.
It’s the equivalent of the rarely asked question “do you love me” in the early days of dating but shows up in the later years of long term relationships. If a woman doesn’t feel love, she’s checking out. If she’s not desired, she’s not going to feel secure in that relationship.
Why? Because… men are known to stay with the woman they desire. That is why when infidelity happens, the first thing a woman asks is “do you love her”. If the answer is yes, she knows his heart is gone and the relationship is over.
In Bill’s case, the poor fella just wanted to show that he had great status with women and that Iris needed to understand that he has options. In his mind, he felt that if Iris understood there were options, she’d better show that she’s worthy of his affection. Which, sadly, is not what women think or want.
Guys recognize status. They move around in circles of status. That is also why the “Guy Code” book is easy to figure out. The pecking order of the male class can be observed. There are few exceptions and those do distort the playing field.
To a man, to use the infidelity model once more, if a woman cheats on him with another man, his status takes a hit. He can’t keep his woman. He can’t prevent another man’s charm from working on his lady. Men can’t deal with physical infidelity because it hurts his status. As well as his ego… because he can’t keep his lady’s attention locked on him.
But, more damaging than status, until very recently in the history of man, a man could not prove that a child was his. Many men still wrongly believe that to this day. A man who not only can’t keep his lady in check (a horrible phrase that lingers to this day)… but now is supporting a baby that may not be his… has a much lower status that the lowest in the group.
What’s this got to do with romance killing assumption?
Bill thought that by flexing his status in front of Iris, he was going to appear more valuable with more romantic capabilities. He assumed that Iris was looking at romance the same way he does.
Iris thought that by showing Bill she does have options, he would be motivated to show her that he was the best option for her. How? By being more romantic, more secure, more confident, even to the point of interrupting politely to show the other guy that Iris was not available and was with him.
What a man wants and what a woman wants are not the same thing. They may look alike, but operate very differently.
Science has shown that men will invest more efforts in being romantic not just when they’re chasing the woman of their dreams but also when they think the woman might look elsewhere. That’s why the advice to women is to never let a man stop chasing her. They just forget to add that a man needs to catch his lady to feel like a winner… before she gives him reason to chase again.
Women on the other hand thrive on seeing emotional attachment and commitment. They feel that the man cares and wants to protect them. This goes to the core and root of how mankind was created so that the two genders gravitate towards each other and work as a team.
Nothing wrong with being a modern evolved woman… who is assertive and goes after what she wants. Nothing wrong with that at all.
No matter how modern man and women feel they’ve gotten, their drives and needs still carry the legacy of their roots. The biology of emotions is a very strong driver. It will always influence how we approach one another, because our needs are different, but our common journey is very similar.
However… when dealing with matters of the heart… if a man feels he didn’t have to chase or work to keep what he has… the level of status drops. When status drops… attachment does as well.
Simple example: What’s the difference between a car a young man got as a gift and one he had to toil to get? The one he worked hard for gets treated like a lady. The one gifted gets treated like a car. This could possibly explain why many men are appalled by the way women treat their cars… but that’s for another blog post… maybe.
In the start of a relationship, many women want to demonstrate that times have changed and they’re financially secure. They don’t need a man. They want to pay for their way in all dates.
That’s good. That’s great. That’s awesome. However. Let’s look back on this through the lens of this post.
If you’re so secure that you can provide for all your needs… most men will muse… why do you need me? The interest will not build. You don’t need me. Men love to feel like they provide value. This author has struggled with this reality… it’s not just taking scientific reading and repackaging as a blog post.
Taking a little speculative reach… for the woman… when you’re able to provide for yourself and the man is unable to show his capability of chasing you… how does that feel? How attracted to do you feel after the first few dates of paying your own way?
It’s fair to say, based on anecdotes and some data, when a woman can provide for everything herself and can’t find that emotional secured sense, her interest in the guy will fade. Finding that emotional security is the difficulty.
Some women have reported being very frustrated with the lack of quality men. But when professional dating coaches look at their dating patterns, these women are projecting the masculine traits they’ve learned to use well in careers… but are absolutely horrible for initiating romance.
Many men will interpret that masculine projection as competition. They will also assume that the emotional needs are being taken care of the same way as the other needs are. Therefore, they don’t have to pay that much attention… or are unable to find ways to offer that emotional support that is needed.
Many men who claim to be intimidated… feel that there is nothing they can bring that will impress a self-sustained-self-fulfilled woman. Those men, sadly, have not learned the most important thing, women aren’t impressed by status for the sake of status. They’re looking at status through the lens of emotional security.
The man who can address the emotional wants and needs of a woman will win her hand and keep her hand compared to the man who thinks all he has to do is outspend her.
So. Until human biology catches up to our technology… what can we do to save romance?
Guys. Even if she can and wants to pay. Still offer to pay for the first date. Still show your chivalry. Don’t assume that what you want is what she wants. Look at it from her vantage point and offer it to her. Let her decide that you’re the one.
Ladies. It’s OK to offer to pay. But, let him pay… this time. You can always get it next time. Better yet, once the relationship is up and running… chase him a little. You’ll be surprised how good that feels. Take your man out and pamper him every now and blue moon. Don’t let him feel used. Also understand… playing games drives us nuts. It may get you the proof you think you want… but you risk him taking the wrong cue and leaving you too.
Not saying… speak all your needs in a logical fashion. No. Ladies… think before you play games to verify he’s into you. Some guys can take it. Some guys can play. Others don’t know how to play. You’re smart. Women have a real advantage in that department. Use is wisely to coax your man to value you and chase you so you feel wanted and desired so you can… you see how catch22 can work in your favor?
In conclusion. Never assume that what you’d do is what they’d do. This applies to both genders. Think. Plan. Give the other what they need and want… and watch how they return the favor and romance will blossom.
for entertainment purposes only… seek advice from a professional relationship coach to see how to get a customized set of advice in building your romance