I just want to DM her…

There was a time a man would happily muster up the courage to overcome his inner fright and ask a lady out on a proper date. By proper date, we’re talking more than just a fast food place or a low budget movie. We’re talking about the romantic type of outing that has her laughing and feeling comfortable with a guy. The kind of date that begs for another.

Those days seem gone with the wind. A relic of the past lost pre-internet archives. Today’s reality is mixed with lots of uncertainty that’s resolved with a focus on casual meet-ups for biology to function instead of real human connection.

I just wanted to DM her…

The other day, a conversation unfolded on social media. Reading it was nearly painful. The exchange was unproductive. The resulting rant about the depravity of humanity was predictable. It went something like this…

Boy: “hey. You look cute”
Girl: “Thanks”
Boy: “DM me”
Girl: “What?”
Boy: “DM me… now”
Girl: “Get lost creep”
Boy: “You ugly anyway”

*this is the more sanitized version of a dialogue that quickly spiraled into profanity before disappearing. Not a handful of minutes later, the lady posted a copy of the DM conversation that took place and asking her followers to report the guy for abuse. No one would argue that the tone of the conversation was not abusive.

There are a lot of things about this short exchange that’s emblematic of the state of affairs in relationship-startup-country. People don’t know how to approach one another in the digital space. Women have learned, rightly and unfortunately, to be extremely wary of all males in the digital space. The predatory practices as well as the stupidity has made the web a land mine field of disaster even for the most thick-skinned of women.

So…what’s wrong with the above approach?

For starters, in this post-modern era, it’s perfectly fine for a woman to approach a man and ask him out on a date. Nothing wrong with that. It’s just that the current averages seem to still favor men asking women out on a date first. The why is not so important for today’s discussion. What is, however, is the how.

One little compliment from the guy was cool. His inability to understand that the normal reply to “thanks” is “you’re welcome” puts him at a disadvantage. Later, he may complain how women are so hard to understand, or how they’re so hard to get, or are just plain weird. But the reality is simple. When someone says “Thanks” the expected courtesy reply is “You’re welcome”.

His second error, he bluntly commanded the lady to shoot him a private message. “DM me”. In other words, he ordered her to initiate the conversation to get to know her.

Let’s put it in a clearer way. He essentially said… “I’m too lazy to be concerned about getting to know you, so, I’m taking a low risk move and demanding you reach out to me, woo me, impress me, start a relationship of any kind with me… because I can’t be bothered to learn about who you are”.

Some would venture to say he was giving himself plausible deniability to any other woman he’s dealing with. If she initiates the DM, he can say she chased him and he didn’t seek out the extra attention. Lame excuse, but hey… some folks swear by it.

Of course, to his credit, when he didn’t get his way, he threw a tantrum like a baby and insulted the woman. As if he was doing her a favor by allowing her to chase him.

Fellas. If you want the girl, go after the girl. Period. No matter how modern we are, this part of our humanity still continues to exist. You want to know some one, go and say “Hi” to them. Take the risk. Politely.

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