I just want to DM her…

Why the insulting counter-punches?

This whole trend of insulting and demeaning a person who denies your lame approach makes no sense. Why would there be a need to attack someone who decided not to entertain your approach? Rejection, as painful as it is, is part of life.

Becoming a bully or a jerk about it is not indicative of any maturity. If anything, shows just how much one lacks. Ladies… please don’t settle for this.

The male ego may be frail, but not that weak. We can take a bit of rejection. It’s never hurt anyone beyond a little sting. (this doesn’t cover the impact of repeated rejections which has real consequences and isn’t being covered by this blog post)

A casual “hi” that’s not accepted is not a catastrophic rejection. In big cities, people learn to block out strangers and not engage in dialogue with random folks in the streets. That behavior carries online. Most people will not comment to some strange dude commenting on their photos. You just don’t know who that dude is.

So, fellas (and some ladies), countering with aggression for not getting your way may make you feel tough in the moment but really shines a spotlight on your lack of class, confidence, skills, maturity.

What could he have done better?

We can continue to discuss all that this guy did wrong, but let’s shift our attention to what could have been a better approach.

Boy: “Hi. I noticed you’re into collecting seashells, that’s really cool”
Girl: “hey. Thanks. I love being by the open water. Do you collect seashells?”
Boy: “I enjoy staying cool at the beach when it’s hot out. By the way, very cool set of photos on your profile”
Girl: “Thank you. What a nice thing to say”
Boy: “You’re welcome. Have a great rest of day”
Girl: “I appreciate that. You too”

Unlike the first conversation that ended up a hot-mess with pleas to have her tribe get the fella blocked, this exchange left a neutral to good impression on her. She feels you’re human and you’ve taken the time to connect with her as a human. The next time she sees a comment from you, she’s more likely to pay attention and connect with you.

After several open public conversations where it is clear you’re a gentleman and respectful of her sentiments, you can ask if you can send her a DM (assuming her profile doesn’t specifically say you can or cannot). Whatever her response is, respect it. If she says yes, go ahead and polity continue your chat. If she says no, thank her for her thoughtful reply and keep on being polite.

For those who don’t think this works, this is how I’ve established many digital friendships with same and opposite gender people from around the world. There is no specific formula to how to be human. Each person has to figure their own approach. The one thing all approaches have in common… respect.

editorial note: the use of the pronouns ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ was done in the literary sense of romance and not literal

Diffusing Situations in a conclusion

The gentleman is not concerned by which medium of communication is available to him. His entire ethos is about respect and being polite. One can approach anyone gracefully and introduce oneself. Should the answer be no, it takes no skin of your back or credit off your street. A no just means that, no. That person at that point in time is not entertaining adding a new contact/friendship/connection for reasons that has nothing to do with you.

In those moments, a gentleman just continues his walk through life. There are 7 billion people on the planet. Half of them are women. At any given point in time, there are over 2 billion people in your general demographic age grouping. The odds are greatly in your favor that you will meet someone else who will say “hi” back and connect with you.

In this digital age, people screen shot things and people do gossip in DM. (Direct Message for those who don’t know). If you’re looking to say hello to a woman with hopes of starting a relationship, but at every rejection, you throw an epic jerk tantrum, word will get out. Even if you change your profile, change your name, women will find out and block you and ignore you. You’ll have earned a brand that hurts your odds of getting a date.

So, please, if you’re going to be selfish about this process, do it in a way that helps you… be nice… because Karma is real.

People with private profiles do a lot of due diligence these days before accepting requests for a new social media connection. The brand one creates precedes you and introduces you way more times than you can imagine. If this is how online networking and dating is going, imagine how the real world is capitalizing on that to judge if they want to be bothered by the likes of you.

So, yes, a woman can approach a man and say hi first. However, how a man handles the approach as well as how he does his own approaching… will say a lot about his odds of getting the woman to say more than just “hi” back.

DM her 1


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