To Be Complete… in love

As spiritual beings, we all have a journey of discovery to travel. For most people, the quality of that journey is influenced by their relationships they forged as children. In adulthood, the work of polishing and improving is often neglected.

Part of this neglect is due to the amount of work required to improve oneself and take accountability for one’s actions. The other part of the neglect is that many do not know better or have no reason to believe they can do better.

Because we arrive in adulthoods at different levels of maturity, finding a relationship partner can often be a challenge. This is one of the reasons why there are phrases that over simplifies the process of finding lasting love.

Find someone that completes you – a popular refrain

The reason why many people recommend you find yourself before you find love is mainly because love itself does not completely you. Rather, it compounds you into more of you. In plain English, if you’re a kind person, when in love, your kindness shows more. If you’re a jerk, when in love, your nature will eventually show up and cause more hurt to those who thought you were better than that.

The position of this blog stands on the notion that love, in terms of romance, works best with two complete individuals sharing a common experience while pursuing a common goal. In the case of this writer, I believe that God has called me to be a leader in the family I’ve created. My wife shares the same belief. We work together to uplift our children so they can be the best persons they were created to be.

Each person needs to have their own understanding of who they are as adults so they can enter and participate in relationships that are suitable to themselves. Hence where the expression “equally yoked” comes into play.

The danger of being incomplete

When a person arrives into a relationship with a degree of immaturity, they start to look to their partner to fill in gaps that were never meant to be filled by their partner.

note: there is no implied notion that one has to be 100% maximally mature before entering a relationship. People can and should continue to grow throughout their lives. The base line maturity implied is the one where a person is able to act and carry on as an adult. Putting behind them their childish ways.

When one depends on another to feel complete, they’re giving the other person more control over themselves than they should. You’re not going to ask your partner to help you know if you’re hungry or not… why would you expect them to know if you’re feeling sufficiently emotionally nourished?

One of the drawbacks of looking outwardly for validation is the insecurity it triggers. When we base our worth on the opinion of others, we are subject to the whims of their opinion. Our lives are spent reacting to public opinion instead of us moving intentionally with purpose.

Quick note… the art of finding purpose will vary from person to person. For some, they find their purpose from their spiritual connections… others internalize their purpose from an external source (which is different from depending on an external source to validate their internal views)

What happens when your partner is too busy with work to attend to making you complete? Worse, how does your partner feel about being responsible for your feelings of completeness?

Let’s take another angle about this… dependency

A financially incomplete person, defined as one who can’t take care of themselves financially, may have a great life as long as their partner is happily creating their world. But, the day the partner runs out of employment, or is too sick to financially support, or decides to leave and no longer support… the financially incomplete person is devastated.

Same can be said emotionally. Does it make sense for our partner to be the determinant factor for how we feel? Sadly, many have suffered mightily at the hands of insensitive partners because we abdicated control of our emotional health to them. Same for our mental health. Same for our spiritual well-being.

We are responsible for becoming the adults we want to be, are called to be, designed to be. A love relationship is designed to help us share our experiences. In this sharing, we grow and find nourishment.

In another way of looking at this. The give and take of a relationship works best when two people are able to give and take. Some days, you pour into the relationship. Other days, you withdraw from the relationship. If one is incomplete, one often finds themselves withdrawing and unable to pour into the relationship.

When you’re constantly drawing from, without pouring back, you’re a drain… or low-value-creating person. The clingy, needy, dependent type that most would rather avoid.

I don’t know who likes someone who complains, nags, seeks fights, and acts jealous all the time. It is very tiresome.

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