To be complete…
Someone recently left a beautiful comment on a prior post. They said that the best source of love is from the author of love… God himself. (paraphrasing). Getting that spiritual understanding correct first makes understanding the rest a lot easier.
But, there are readers who don’t subscribe to the spiritual understanding paradigm. For them, the importance of knowing yourself and being a complete person is just as important. Without being the best you can be, you’re not going to attract someone who is the best they can be.
How? Simple. If I’m an independent capable adult, why would I want to form a serious love connection with someone who is still in emotional infancy? Brings back the notion of “being equally yoked”.
How do I get there… this completeness you speak of?
As we transition from childhood to adulthood, we don’t take much time to revisit the lessons we take for granted. We don’t slow down enough to ask a few basic questions.
what contribution do I want to make to this world… who am I… what’s my purpose… what do I like… what have I learned… what influences do I want in my life… what kind of person do I want to be known for…
This is not the complete list of questions nor the most pressing of questions. However, taking time to reflect, understand, and find mentors to help is part of the process of finding completeness.
There is a component called time. It takes plenty of time for the human specie to arrive to a state of maturity. Life shapes you. Experiences inform you. Circumstances color you. Questions sharpen you. Advice directs you. Passion ignites you. But all of these happen over the course of time.
The best thing a person can do, when they realize they’re not complete, is to slow down and get working on becoming complete. Work on yourself. Become the person you need to become. It’s not sexy, it’s not always fun, and it’s not very easy.
But the alternative is far more painful. Chasing after empty relationships to find oneself but ending up hurt over and over again. There is a reason why some have a dating “type” and an observable pattern in dating. When incomplete, we chase after what we think will fix the hole instead of actually fixing the hole.
The unspoken hazard of such a lifestyle is the trail of broken hearts that would otherwise not been hurt. The holes created in innocent hearts by the hurt of being incomplete.
Example: an insecure person might give way to jealous patterns to attempt to secure affection they feel entitled to. This leads to unnecessary fights and conflicts that leave pain and suffering. Even when the partner tries to offer support, the insecurity never goes away. The partner gets held hostage on many levels… emotionally, socially, mentally, etc. The breakups are usually quite painful for both, as the partner’s love was never enough. All of that could have been easily avoided… if one was complete at the entrance of such a relationship.
Not even talking about the social collateral damages created in the wake of such broken relationships exploding all over the social fabric of nearby communities… but will give one example. The friend who has to listen to the heartache and comes into work too tired to produce their best… costs the company and customers of said company… butterfly effect.
The incomplete person only sees their own hurt. They got the short end of the stick. Everyone isn’t doing their part to make them feel whole. Well… um… maybe… you’re the problem instead…
The Case for Singleness
When I was single, there was so much social pressure to find love and start a family. Few people ever shared the value of being single. The importance of nourishing oneself. Building oneself up.
When we’re not complete, we deplete. In singlehood, it’s the ideal time to uncover who we are, what we like, what we want to do, who we will become. Just like the expression says that birds of a feather will flock together, the time of maturing should be used to find one’s tribe. We are social beings, after all.
In the process of socialization, we grow and work to become complete. Once completed, it’s a lot easier to develop a relationship with someone of like mindedness. Then, love can bloom and prosper in a healthy way.
The beauty about being complete, one is not feeling pressured to find wholeness. We share experiences and move confidently into our purpose. Should we date someone who is not meant to be with us, it’s easy to spot that early and move on before feelings get complicated. We’re operating from a high value position instead of reacting from a low value position.
We nourish each other. Listen to one another. Encourage one another. And in maturity, we give each other space to be.
There is no trail of broken hearts following a complete person… because we’re always pouring into our relationships as well as taking. There is no net loss or surplus. While breaking up is not fun or easy, two complete people can mutually agree to go separate ways without destroying one another. Not just because they don’t wait too late to separate, but they also don’t’ feel compelled to attack and create pain either.
This is one of the arguments made in favor of having a high value spiritual life. This is why the golden rule exists. That’s why, at the earlier parts of the blog, I mentioned the importance of a spiritual walk.
Nothing wrong with being single. High value people will not pressure you to find love to label you as complete… but a low value person will. Especially if your singleness affects their own perception of self-esteem.