There is a popular saying that instructs couples to “compromise” as a solution to getting things done. While that’s a traditional perspective on love, today, we’re working on the view of common ground instead of compromise.
Finding common ground instead of compromises in love
Most people think of compromise as a mutually assured losses. I give up something and you give up something and we both settle for what’s left.
What kind of perspective on love is that?
In all other aspects of life, the memes tell us not to settle for less than what we deserve. We have to go for the best, grab the bull by the horns, and only take what we deserve. Then, in romance, we compromise.
Yeah, that’s not an easy shift to do. Everywhere, we go for the best, but in romance we settle for the minimum.
The art of negotiation works great in the business setting. The ability to listen to our partners and finding what they need is a very valuable skill to have. In romance, we’ve got to take things a step further and ensure the win-win is really a win-win.
The Common Ground May Involve Creativity
Let’s look at a simple scenario. Mr Man wants to go to a sporting even for his third anniversary. Mrs Woman wants to go to a theme-inspired five-star eating venue to celebrate the third anniversary.
One compromise would have the couple splitting their time between both venues, feeling disappointed in missing out, feeling rushed to go to each other’s venues. Imagine if the times overlapped or were concurrent? I can only image the disaster taking place as they rush between venues.
The common ground position is different than a compromise. It’s finding a third alternative that would make both parties happy and satisfied. This requires a lot of creativity and thinking outside the box.
the magic happens outside the comfort zone
In the example of the Man-Woman relationship, a common ground starts with the acknowledgment that the third anniversary is very special to them. They want to celebrate it by doing something big and out of the ordinary of their dating practices.
After some period of brainstorming, they both agreed that a venue that allowed them to feel close, intimate, and fancy would make them happy. This was derived from what was the underlying motive for the respective venues they had selected.
With the understanding clear and the vision defined, they listed a series of venues that would help them experience their vision. When they sat to compare their lists, it became clear that the big arts museum in the next town met their criteria.
It’s different, it’s original, it’s intimate, and that particular evening, the exhibit was geared for black tie type gala gathering.
They agreed to celebrate their anniversary at the museum. A few calls and favors later, a signature moment was arranged for them to share their sentiments with each other.
This was not a compromise. This was an alternate solution that was based on a common ground. This perspective on love allows the couple to focus on their celebration instead of fighting over and settling for less than an ideal moment.
They, for the sake of making the story complete, later went to their respective ideal dates and enjoyed the time without the pressure of making the anniversary moment rushed while perfect.
The work of finding a common ground is not easy, but the investment is definitely worth it. It’s a great way to improve the relationship’s creativity as well.
A Secret for reaching a common ground…
Relationship experts harp on the need for communication. Clear effective communication. That is very helpful to have and a much needed perspective on love.
However, too many people have concluded that communication is the telling of our feelings to others in hopes they do as we told them. That’s more a one-sided broadcast than actual communication.
The perspective of communication this blog holds is the need to understand as completely as it is to be understood. This means taking time to listen. Time to comprehend. And time to accept the view of the other person.
This allows us to gain understanding. This understanding gives us awareness of what options we can have to make things work with each other.
Listen to understand the need and identify a common ground, common interest. After all, you’d not be in a relationship if you didn’t have some common interest. Deepen your knowledge of this commonality. Expand it.
When you’re able to get to the root motivation, you’re able to find solutions that meet the needs. In another way of speaking, the motives informs the strategies. The tactics change to meet the need as necessary. The mission and base never changes. (for the sake of this example).
Hidden agendas and egos have no room to play when finding the common ground that makes a relationship. This isn’t about ignoring your feelings or settling for less. It’s all about finding the solution that honors the common interests and feeds both at the same time. It may not be the solution either would have picked initially, but it’s the solution that meets the needs of both to satisfaction.
It is true that some differences can’t be resolved easily, if at all. Some differences just need to be put to rest and left alone for another time.
This blog is pushing the resolution that we shouldn’t first seek a compromise, instead, find a common ground to make everyone happy.
The work involved isn’t’ for the faint of hearts. It’s the kind of work that takes time. One has to be willing to sit and talk and listen.
When we break down the work into bite sizes, it boils down to spending a little time each day talking with the person you love.
Not just chat for the sake of chatting, but talking with the goal of understanding the other better.
Idle chat isn’t moving a relationship forward, not that one shouldn’t have idle chats. However, not all chats should be idle in nature. We’ve got to have the harder conversations without having to get all defensive.
We need to ask and learn and question what we observe. This allows us to challenge the very perspectives we hold of our love life. The expansion will soon allow us to better know where the common grounds are.
Make it a point, this year, to learn more about your romance, more about your love, and feed the common grounds first. In time, you’ll gain enough understanding to address the uncommon grounds without having to resort to compromising.
In closing, we do have to compromise some times. That’s just how life works. However, there is way more fun in finding the common ground that allows us to enjoy fully without giving up what is most important.
Have a great new year of discovering the common ground of your love’s perspective.
For your reading pleasure, a sampled list of other Motivational Monday post will be added below. Just click on the title or image to get to the post of interest.
Appreciate any sharing of these posts you’re inclined to do. Helps spread the word.
- The Habit of Building Romance - It may take two to tango, but each person has to have the purpose of tangoing. Relationships require both purpose/goals and habits/routines of success. But, this does not take away from originality, art, science, and spontaneous acts. The habit of building romance is the foundation...
- Partnership – I win because you win - Sure, it takes two to tango. However, most do not fully understand what that means. Working together to make a relationship work involves keeping the gossipers out... Plus it means practicing a lot before making dreams and goals come true. Then, the tango will work beautifully and amaze everyone. You win by making sure your partner wins
- The Fabulous Circle - Everyone is influenced by someone. This included relationships. They're influenced by others as well. what's in your average? Who does your relationship spend the most time with.. and what's the influence?
- Slowly Raise the Bar - Complacency ruins romance. The only way to keep love alive and well... raise the bar of your romance game every week, every month, every year. Do better. Surround yourself with positive folks. Then... make your romance great on purpose
- Syncing up relationship goals - Many have personal goals for the year. But few have relationship goals for the year. Like... in working together towards one goal. A look at teamwork to make the dream work by syncing up New Year Resolutions. Kicking off the new year! Best Wishes
- Finding common ground instead of compromising in love - We're taught to chase the best in everything except romance. We have to compromise there... and settle some. No longer. Find the common ground and build up from there. We deserve the best and can build to have it. Better perspective on love for the year
- A little romantic planning is still romantic - Being spontaneous doesn't mean being without a plan. Look ahead.. and figure what you can do to enhance your romance Plan ahead. But listen as well to know what to plan
- Now that the season of resolutions is done… - Many have stopped working on their resolutions. Many are accepting defeat. But not us. Now you. We're going strong. Sharing a few goals, dreams, and projects currently going strong.
To conclude this post, below will be a list of the various Motivation Monday projects… sorted by years… for those who would like to binge read any of the posts they might have missed in the past.
Thanks for the time you took to visit and appreciate this blog.
Relationship Monday – up to 2018
The collection of all the Motivational Monday posts focused on Relationships up to the year 2018
Relationship Monday 2019
Kicking off the year early with the table of contents for all future Relationship Monday posts. Setting the goals high and aiming to win
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