The Long Look Back

The Old Man

Their conversation had lasted quite a long time. Pat had learned plenty about Kevin and what he enjoyed. The poor child had poured his heart out. The stress was very palpable. The young man was near distress. Pat did not envy him and wished he had the perfect answers. The reality was this, Kevin was carrying a massive burden alone and it was now too big to bear. Quilt had stricken him of courage to look for answers, and fear had crippled him into romantic complacency.

The only analogue the old man had in his world to relate to Kevin was his love of finely dressed women of his time. Pat loved going to the track and seeing all the gorgeous ladies in their Sunday best. Pat’s deal was he had a weakness for hats gloves and sassy dresses. Fortunately for him, Pat’s wife was the type who adored dressing up like such any chance she had.

Kevin looked on sadly and even more heartbroken than ever. At least in Pat’s time, women made the effort to dress up to go out. Today’s women were all about being better men than the men around them. His lady could wear a pantsuit better than he could. Her collection of loafers outclassed his own. Not that his lady tried to dress like a man, but she was in many boardrooms closing huge deals and the suits where her success armor of sorts. He rarely saw her dress ultra feminine. It was not convenient for her.

That wasn’t his issue really. His biggest issue was that his lady did not need him. He was scared to even utter the words to Pat. But, the man saw and pressed him to say and own his feelings.

Finally, in tears he broke down, ever thankful that Pat had agreed to hold this meeting in a very private vineyard away from prying eyes. Pat listened closely as Kevin explained how much he wanted to have a lady who could submit to him sexually. All this masculine veneer his lady had seemed too innate. She’d never allow herself to bend a knee towards Kevin. His desire to orchestrate pleasures of all kinds of sinful ways was making Kevin feel like he was going to hell no matter what he did or didn’t do. The feelings were too strong.

How could he give them up once and for all? And the most urgent of needs, Kevin couldn’t even utter out loud as he felt extremely dirty and ashamed to have uttered the wish of subjugating his beloved under his will. The other things had to be repulsively vile. Kevin hoped Pat would perform some sort of exorcism and free him of this demonic urge to dominate… a most repugnant and offensive thing in this modern era of woman’s liberation and equality.

Worse, who was he to make any demands. His lady out earned him. She out smarted him. She out learned him. She out kindness him. She was way better than him in all manners that seemed important. To the point, Kevin started questioning why she was with him. His only thought, she didn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone presently and Kevin was the buffer holding other guys at bay. The decoy. What else could it have been?

Once Kevin had calmed himself down, Pat softly spoke, sending chills down Kevin’s back, as Pat thanked him for touching the surface of what was wrong. Now it was time to dive into the real issues. The real problems. The real concerns. This unequally yoked excuse was not going to fly. What did Kevin really want and need, besides dominance? That would hold the key to finding a solution. Dominance alone was not the root of the problem. Self esteem was only one other part.


Author’s Note

Before continuing a moment of insight from the author of this blog post

Looking back, between what friends have told me, things I’ve lived through, and stories I’ve read, one thing is very clear to me. Not everyone is fortunate to have a mentor or guide during critical chapters of life. Not every parent is equipped to talk about the birds and the bees at the right time. Not every child grows to have the same taste in romance as their parents have.

The internal struggle that arises can resolve itself peacefully when the hormones find their equilibrium. Other times, the unanswered questions can linger for years. Love has many perspectives. It flows as it wishes.

The affliction that Kevin is facing is one many struggle with at some point in time. What is my role in the life of another? Where is the line between what I want and what she wants gets drawn…how do you find that mate who will work with you and you with them?

As our times accelerates and conversations become harder to do, many feelings get swept aside and when they erupt, the mess can be tough to clean up. Please, if this story touches a nerve, talk to someone. Don’t bottle it up. Don’t sit on it. But talk to someone you’ve vetted and trust. The guidance you get will shape the options you see. Second opinions are never too much. It’s your life. Live it fully, but live it wisely.

In closing, before going back to the story, the exact nature of Kevin’s affliction is purposely left out. I don’t know a generic fictional one that I could use that won’t touch someone. I don’t want to accidentally make anyone feel like they have an issue that they didn’t know to have. I do want to leave room for the imagination. Room for thought. Room for questions. Room for creativity. Each person has their set of things. I don’t judge. That’s done enough as is… sadly.

After all is typed and done… do take this as a cue to chat with whomever you’re in a relationship with. Communicate. Don’t hide. If they’re for you, they’ll listen… even if eventually. No one should feel the need to not be themselves. Life is not perfect, but getting as close to comfortable as possible is the goal, no matter the love’s perspective held.

As I wrote this, I too had to face many of my inner struggles that has yet to be resolved. Thankfully, I’ve got a writing outlet and lots of carefully chosen supporters who help me navigate the questions that still linger.

now back to the story which continues on the next page


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