I rarely take the time to blog about things that happen about me in a personal way. I rather write fiction and enjoy the process. However, today, I have to make an exception on this blog.
There is this notion that I find totally irritating and ridiculous. But before we dive into that, let me just put a preface. I’m a guy who enjoys writing for my blog(s). My views aren’t always expressed as they live. I love my privacy. However, this topic has me in a bind. On one hand, I totally get it. On the other hand, totally am against it. Even though internally I can even identify with it. So… what am I talking about?
We men have this notion, either innate but most likely socialized, that women exist in relationships to complete our needs. Yes, I said it. We got all ego tripped out that we assume wrongly that women exist as an extension of our will and desire map.
That is totally and utterly false. Women are their own bosses and their own self managed persons. We can’t go around assuming that they will gladly do whatever it is we wish for and want because we’re men. That is total bunk.
But, there is an emotional component that most guys have to fight against. The notion that a woman will want to take care of our needs. There is this hope that certain needs can only be properly address by our woman, and she has to, or we’re left out of luck.
Balancing between that intense desire and the reality that we’re not their bosses… can lead to many false understanding and false moves that often leaves the woman feeling hurt and many times abused.
Time for real examples… not fiction
I recently heard a man lament that he can’t stand how his wife always manages to be so tired at the end of the day that she’s turning him down for romantic interludes at night. His argument was that she’s a stay at home mom and should have all day to do whatever she needs to do. When he comes home, the expectation is that the house is ready for his arrival and she’s ready to please him with food, laughter, drinks, and other entertainment.
I beg to differ strongly here. On many grounds.
- house work is extremely tiresome especially with children creating mess and needing attention.
- cooking is not as fast in the home as it is in a restaurant where a team cooks your meal
- A day job has just your title and the work associated with that title. House work is multiple titles all managed by one (one person or one couple… not discounting the delegated work to the growing children)
- Having a day job does not give you a pass on your responsibilities to upkeep your own home. You live there too.
Before I make the list any longer with frustration and anger, this is the kind of reflections that make good men look bad. Women can’t with these guys who think marriage is a way of getting free house keeping services.
A good man knows that he’s got his own responsibilities to handle in the home. He is actively involved in the maintenance of the paradise he owns. In fact, the vows one takes at the alter are built on the premise that the guy made the proposal inviting the woman to enter his life.
If you were able to self-sustain just fine before you tie the knot (assuming you lived on your own before you got married)… why then after taking your vows you’ve got a sudden case of amnesia? If you weren’t married, and couldn’t convince mom, sister, friend, or girlfriend to come over and take care of your house for you, what makes you think your wife is the one? and for the guys who did manage to have their mom/sister/friend/girlfriend do their work for then… you’re not helping no one including yourself
Another example, another guy lamented that despite doing all he can to support his lady, she has no time for his needs. She rather spend her free time on social media or shopping instead of being romantic with him.
While that is totally sad and most unfortunate for him, at the end of the day, what are you doing to make it worth her while to drop her Facebook status and shopping to hang out with you? Not saying she’s totally innocent here, but in principle, what didn’t you do that you should have done? (this does not address mis-matched relationship pairings BTW)
Last one… what happens when you tell your lady your preferences in the relationship and she feels she’s too modern and too busy to be bothered to learn and accommodate your preferences?
This is the only question I heard recently that did not elicit a massive visceral response from me. The reality is this, both partners are very busy and learning another set of habits can be very hard on a person. I had to engage that person to find out if that question was driven by ego or driven by lack of time to address the root cause of the problem. Turns out, they worked so much they lost track of what each other wanted and were suffering in silence. It could have been an ego thing to which I’d have less patience than I did.